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Q and A

May 09, 2011; Tom Hancock Asks:

What is the probability that the one-eyed pirates are now robbing mail boxes?

Stacey answers:

I think the post office has it under control. Every time I try to mail a box, they ask me if it contains any explosives, anything toxic, anything perishable or spoiled, liquid, blood, or medical waste, and every time I say, "Do bloody Kleenexes count?," and when they say yes I leave sadly with my box and go home.

Apr 25, 2011; Les McQueen Asks:

How much wood might a woodchuck chuck should said woodchuck belong to a state employees' union in Wisconsin which has recently suffered an ideological beatdown with disappointing practical implications? Is collectivism more a problem or a solution? How do magnets work?

Stacey answers:

I don't know. I don't know a lot about state employees' unions, woodchucks, Wisconsin, or magnets. I no longer understand American politics since I've noticed that all the working guys driving around in trucks seem to be Republicans, while all the college educated people seem to be Democrats, even though it makes more logically sense for them to switch. I'm beginning to suspect that logic doesn't have much to do with it. I'm sure other people have more cogent things to say about this than I do. Collectivism seems good in theory. I thought I'd have a better answer but I don't.

Magnets have something to do with electricity, particles, and other things that are invisible. Like ex-boyfriends, sometimes they can attract and repel us at the same time.

Apr 23, 2011; mike the lesser Asks:

Would you describe the writing process as 'painful'?

Stacey answers:

I prefer "difficult" but maybe I'm splitting hairs. I find a lot of the writing process to be positive. There are those great moments when bright, intriguing things pop out of your brain--images, ideas, scraps of dialogue, memories, little structures, mirrors of what you wrote before--all that. My guess is, if we only ever wrote for ourselves, it wouldn't be painful or difficult. The hard parts happen when we wrestle with all the problems of language as communication and all the complexities of our own desires to be read, seen, heard, loved, known, understood deeply, and never forgotten. Ha! Good fucking luck. But even though such wishes are impossible, it doesn't mean most writers aren't driven by them. Or most people, for that matter.

Apr 07, 2011; Tom Hancock Asks:

Hi Stacey, If you can put questions in your answers, then I can put replies in my questions. My favorite Douglas Coupland novels are Miss Wyoming and Girlfriend In A Coma. I liked Life After God a lot, though it wasn't a novel per se. There is a part in Miss Wyoming where he humanizes a really wretched and miserable character. A masterstroke of writing. It centers around the free red plastic spoon you get with a sundae at Dairy Queen. Currently I am reading The Gum Thief. I am really enjoying it. Did you know that Mr. Coupland also collects art? To conform to the proper format of this site, I'll end with a question: how's the pirate novel coming along?

Stacey answers:

Hi Tom. Spoons, hmmm. The pirate novel is killing me, but thanks for asking.

Apr 06, 2011; Tom Hancock Asks:

Happy Birthday! My question is this: do you like the work of Douglas Coupland? I have just started reading some of his later works and I enjoy them a good bit.

Stacey answers:

Thanks Tom. I like Douglas Coupland but I haven't read him for a long time. (I admire that he makes furniture as well as books. It's nice furniture, and writers need a break from words.) I liked Generation X when it came out--as I recall it had sidebars, neat typography, a lot of creative energy. Then I read a book with the word "hair" in the title. I think maybe, at least in my mind, Coupland suffers from the same problem as Jay Mcinerney--his first book was so good that it made it harder for the subsequent ones (if you haven't read Bright Lights, Big City for a while, I think you'd be surprised by how good it is). I'm not supposed to put questions in my answers, but if I did I might ask which Couplands you liked.

Apr 03, 2011; LIAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Asks:

Additional question: What are you doing for your big day, Birthday Girl?

-L

Stacey answers:

Hi Liam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For my birthday, I went to Phoenix to see my friends and family and have them feed me cake. My parents gave me a wonderful present a few weeks ago (a necklace that belonged to my grandmother), but on this trip my mother also gave me a scarf she'd given me a few years ago (when I refused it); I'm planning to save it and give it back to her for her next birthday. She also gave me half a pedicure machine with the promise that the second half (now lost) would turn up soon. I didn't tell her this, but I actually found the second half last summer when she sent me into her closet to find a few things for her (she was out of town). It looks like a sex toy-dildo device and this disturbed me for weeks. But it's not my mother's sex toy! It's a pedicure wand. That, in itself, was a good present.

Apr 01, 2011; Liam Liam LIAM!!!! Asks:

Hey, Stacey. Here are some urgent questions:

Are you friends with singer/songwriter Aimee Mann? Because I bet you 2 would get along famously. (If you're not friends, please explain why not.)

If you had to be in a literary feud with a writer of a past era, who would you choose? (I bet you could have socked it to Ayn Rand.) Also, if you're brave enough to answer this, what current-day writer would you choose to get into a literary feud with? (Roiphe seems like the obvious choice, but Rick Moody would be farrrrrrrr more interesting.)

If I ever have to write a paper about you, or answer some "Discussion Questions" printed alongside one of your stories in some anthology, can I just ask you very general questions about that particular story, and then use your responses in lieu of providing my own analysis? It would save me some time, so you'd totally be doing me a solid. (Think it over.)

What is the most prurient and/or low-minded thing you're into right now? For instance: Are you watching "Jersey Shore"? Eating Pizza Bagel-Bites by the box? Spending obscene amounts of money buying airbrushed sweatshirts off of HSN? Give us the dirt, Stacey!

Are there times when it's appropriate to be passive-aggressive?

Who is you favorite Muppet, and why? (If you simply cannot name only one, then a small list would be acceptable, and, in my opinion, preferable.)

Okay, Stacey! You've got your work cut out for you. Get crackin'!

Your current admirer and future literary rival,
Liam

Stacey answers:

Okay, let's take these one by one:

I don't know Aimee Mann. I do like Aimee Mann's music though. I don't know her because she's a beautiful rock star who lives in Los Angeles while I am a mousy little writer holed up in Tucson. Also, I don't know most people. However, I do know Lisa Loeb.

If I had to feud with a writer from the past, I'd choose Gertrude Stein. I don't want to attack her, I just think it would be great to deal with her in any way. I bet she'd feud like a rapper--we'd be like Lil' Kim and Nicki Minaj. For a current-day writer, I'll take Jonathan Franzen. (I can't fight with Roiphe; I'm crazy about Roiphe). Though it's true that I'm a big fan of the Frazen, I think that feuding with him would be good for my career. In the course of our skirmish, I'd try do that confusing, infuriating thing that makes everyone feel crazy, where I criticize him for things that I deserve to be criticized for myself. He writes too slowly! His characters are not nice! I sense inside jokes in his work--what's that about? Some of that stuff that happens is not realistic! Has he had botox? Gastric by-pass? He should get some sun!

I won't provide answers for your study guide. Except if you give me presents, I might.

I don't really like any of the Muppets. Their eyes don't move, and I've always found that disturbing. However, as I was watching Muppets in Space last night, I realized I do like the little minor-Muppet crab who speaks with a French accent. I wish Muppets in Space could count for the undignified thing I'm into lately, but I only watched it for ten minutes to see F. Murray Abraham. I'm a big F. Murray fan, and while I don't know him, I did once see him walking down the street in New York City. In fact, I only started watching it in the first place because I'd just finished watching a great episode of Nature that he narrates, and I wanted keep up my F. Murray Abraham roll. (It was the incredible dog episode with all the animated dog skeletons and the sled dog puppies born on the ice and the wonderful Belyaev foxes, as well as the sad-faced shepherd who says of his border collies, "I love them deeply." I love them deeply too! I don't even know them and I love them. In fact, if this writing thing doesn't work out--and it seems like it's not going to, especially given how long it's taking me to answer this question--then I'm going to get some border collies and spend the rest of my life teaching them language, or at least the names of hundreds of toys, everyday, for hours and hours. Then we'll go outside and go running, running, running).

I can't believe I'm still doing this. Ha ha, very funny. Okay: the most prurient/low-minded thing I'm doing (besides looking at porn) would probably have to be catalog shopping, for bras, a lot, I don't know why. Something's come over me. Also, the last two books I read were Why Me? The Sammy Davis Jr. Story (it's excellent) and Wunnerful, Wunnerful: The Autobiography of Lawrence Welk (which is not quite as good)--both ghost-written, out-of-print pap.

Is it ever appropriate to be passive-agressive? Wow. What a great question. If my life is any indication itís always appropriate to be passive-aggressive, but thatís not my real answer. My real answer is: yes. First of all, itís entirely appropriate, even worthwhile, to be passive-aggressive with your psychotherapist. Otherwise, howís he going to help you see what an asshole you are? Acting like a dick is also a good test to see if the therapist is on his toes, but since true passive-aggressive behavior is unconscious (otherwise, itís just aggression), you might have to wait for it to kinda just leak out. (Iíve been late four times in a row? No I havenít! Whatever, I canít control traffic, Iím not God. Nice shirt. I did so pay you! I don't run the post office. Etc.) Itís also customary to be sullen, late, forgetful, thieving, obstinate, dishonest, and catty throughout oneís adolescence, and though no one loves this, I would say itís become a tradition and is therefore socially acceptable.

In all other cases, the answer is no. Try to stop yourself, good luck, but still: no. Instead, I recommend channeling your energy into indirect aggressionóbeing sneaky. Slash her tires! Pee on the bed (for dogs)! Steal one shoe! Text a naked picture! Use the return envelope to mail a brick! Leak the porn video! Burn your leader in effigy! This takes some initiative, and therefore requires that you acknowledge the evil within, but weíre all horrible people anyway, so what the fuck? Oh sure, it's not as admirable as being direct, but it's not always smart to be direct (little woman, big man). At least being sneaky-aggressive carries its own little nugget of glee.

Mar 26, 2011; taylor Asks:

I read "the caveman in the hedges" and i now have to answer some questions on it. One of them, is how this story shows satire. The other question im stuck on is how this story is how magic realism applies to this story. Any help?

Stacey answers:

No.

Mar 25, 2011; Tom Hancock Asks:

Say it ain't so! You don't like music? Whoa, that's tough. Well, I'll have to cancel my plans to buy a copy of Twin Study. Furthermore, I've thrown away my copy of My Date With Satan. Ok, not really. But I am sort of shocked that such a creative person doesn't like music. Why not?

Stacey answers:

Hi Tom. I've answered this before-maybe even several times. Why don't you page back and see if you're satisfied with my previous answer?

Mar 18, 2011; Tom Hancock Asks:

How to be good had kind of a disappointing end. I think I get what he was trying to do, sort of a life goes on thing, but i just didn't work. I just finished A Long Way Down and enjoyed it quite a bit. High Fidelity remains my favorite of Mr. Hornby's work. Even if it was made into a horrible movie. Since this is supposed to be a Q & A, here goes a question. What kind of music do you listen to? My guess is Sea Shanties sung by Somali pirates.

Stacey answers:

Ah ha! You're not the first person to ask, and the answer remains that I hardly listen to anything. I know it doesn't seem quite human but I'm not really into music. Occasionally I still love a song, or think something suddenly sounds great, but overall I'm disappointed by music and sound in general. Today, if I were forced to sit in a chair and listen to music for a few hours, I would choose ELO, The Feelies, and Blossom Dearie.

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